Love Is A Choice

As my wife and I are in the process of finalizing our adoption of two newborn twins there are certain truths that have become more meaningful and realistic. One that has particularly struck me is that love is a choice.

For starters, our pursuit of these babies began when they were in utero. From the perspective of a man (I can’t really speak for what goes on in the mind and heart of a woman during pregnancy), one thought that continuously invaded my mind when thinking about my firstborn daughter was how will I love this little person that I don’t even know? Because I was a soon-to-be-daddy I had never experienced the emotions that comes along with expecting a child that I was responsible for producing. Leading up to the final moments before her birth I still pondered, how will I respond when I first lay my eyes on her?

I’ve seen other babies and have held tiny infants when they were only a few weeks old. My response was always the same – how cute; isn’t she adorable; what a beautiful little baby. But these were expressions based on joy and happiness for the new mom and dad, not anything to do with joyful pride or love. And so naturally I was a bit fearful that I would not experience the same, but would instead respond with the typical – how cute; isn’t she adorable; what a beautiful little baby.

Of course all of that went out the window the very first moment I laid my eyes on her. She belonged to me. This was my daughter. I would be her daddy. I was responsible for her life. I loved her and she was more precious than anything else in that moment. It was a radical shift from admiring a newborn baby to adoring my newborn baby. It was love.

I have shared this story with many soon-to-be new dads because I believe that many other guys probably have the same feelings as I once did. I used this as a testimony to reassure them that it would be no difficult thing to fall in love with their baby and that when the moment came they would know exactly what I meant by that.

But as we approached the months and days leading up to the birth of our adopted babies the thought came back to me. How am I going to love these babies that I am not responsible for producing? At first it seemed unreal. Are we really getting twins, we would ask ourselves? Are these really going to be our babies? But as time carried on the more in love we fell with these little people we longed to finally meet. We had no biological connection to them. My wife did not carry them in her belly. We never experienced morning sickness, strange cravings, moodiness (well, maybe some) or kicks and movement. We were completely disconnected. We didn’t even have very much information about them. We knew they were twins and only found out their sex just 8 weeks before birth.

In addition to all that, because it was a private adoption there was still the chance that the birth-mom would change her mind and decide to keep her babies. And so we cautiously and anxiously approached each passing day, trying not to get too connected for fear of experiencing the grief of loss. These were trying times, I must admit, and if it were not for our faith-based trust in God, who we credit to being in control of every tiny detail, I’m not sure we would have been able to remain calm and sane.

Only weeks before their arrival I had begun to experience a truly fearful and wonderful feeling. We decided on names a few weeks before their arrival but dared not refer to them by those names (for fear of attachment). We purchased items we would need to give them proper care. We made plans and packed suitcases for the time when we would need to travel in a hurry. We were doing everything expecting parents normally do during that time. The fact remains that we had fallen in love with them already.

When the time came and we got the telephone call in the middle of the night that they had been born we rushed to the hospital as quickly and safely as we could, and finally met them for the first time in our lives. As we were ushered into the NICU I was anxious and scared to death. The moments that passed from the time we walked through the door and approached their plastic crib seemed an eternity. And as I laid my eyes on my daughter first and then my son, my heart burst with joy and happiness. It was love at first sight.

Looking back on that experience, and treasuring each moment I spend with them now, I consider how fortunate I am to have this blessing. One person commented, “Isn’t it amazing how quickly they can steal your heart?” It is. In a moment I loved these two with all the love I could muster and nothing could change it now. Even today, as we celebrate their 16 days since birth, I realize how very much in love with them I am. What is it that creates such a love? Where does this emotion come from? I have decided that love is most certainly, definitely and without any doubt at all, a choice.

We chose to love them when their birth-mom was unable to. We chose to love them even before it was safe to say they belonged to us. If only for a little while, we would say, we will love these babies for as long as they belong to us. Be it 24 hours, one week, or for the rest of our lives, we will love them with all that we have.

I cannot help but take the same experience and apply some theology here. The Bible tells us that “while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us” (Rom. 5:8), and that “For God so loved the world He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16). God loved us before we belonged to Him. He loved us so much that He was willing to sacrifice His most precious Son that we could become His. God was not forced to love us nor did He do so because of pity. God chose to love us and adopt us as sons (Galatians 4:4-7) that we would no longer be orphans, but heirs to His kingdom.

Love is a choice, it is not an emotion. Each day with renewed commitment I choose to love my son and daughters, that they would know their father’s love.